I've been spending the last few days feuding with Agnes. She's such a bitch! I She just creeps up on me when I least expect it. I'm most aware of her dastardly ways at night. When I try to fall asleep, Agnes is always there, right by my side. "Have you really achieved anything today?" she asks me. "Why are you even here? Wouldn't it be better to just go back home? Is Buenos Aires even that great? What are you even trying to prove here?"
Agnes continues her questioning in the morning... or rather in the afternoon. I wake up tired from falling asleep in the wee hours, and the first thing I hear is Agnes's voice: "Are you happy here? Why are you struggling against me?" And as I ponder replies, Agnes is ready with an easy solution: "just sleep some more! You're tired and a bit down and confused, just sleep it over. Stay with me in bed a bit longer. I'll be sweet to you."
Agnes is my worthiest opponent and we both know I'll never fully defeat her. I need her. She's been part of me before I was even... well me. Agnes is the voice of all my ancestors going back to the very beginning, and going deep to the basest instincts engraved in my DNA. She's the one who taught me to be afraid of the dark as a child or of unknown sounds when I'm walking alone on an unknown street at night. I'll never fully defeat Agnes. She appeals to my deepest fears, and she can always take back control if she needs to.
If it were up to Agnes, I'd go back home to Mom and Dad; actually she'd have me go back to Bucharest, where I grew up and first felt safe in my life. Agnes would rather I never had grown up.
--- confession continues below picture ---
Agnes's call is coming from inside the house
The only way to temper Agnes down is to do, to be, to read, to learn, to travel, to experience everything. Anything that helps me to move past primal fears scares the crap out of her.
Agnes was loud and clear that leaving my job last year was a bad idea. She knew I was unhappy, but she didn't care. She riddled me with doubt and I had to distract her when I actually bought my flight ticket to Buenos Aires. She wasn't pleased and decided to sabotage the whole thing - two days before leaving, I got a diarrhea attack. Yes, ok... Agnes's role in all that remains debatable - that same morning I ate some guac that was five days past its expiration date, but looked totally fine - but she can hardly deny responsibility when my stomach is still not perfectly back eight days after the guac incident.
Agnes, I'm coming at you with everything I've got!